Mama’s Baby, Daddy’s Maybe (Wait, Who IS Your Daddy?) ((written September 2, 2016 – 1803p to 2047p))

 

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I enjoyed watching this case the first time I saw it.  As a matter of fact, I actually watched it on tell-lie-vision earlier in the week.  I don’t usually bother to watch court TV like I once did, but this episode kind of spoke to me on another level because I can definitely relate.  Mr. Aloric Carson hit the nail on the head when he said that “a child deserves to know who their father is”.  I wholeheartedly and completely agree!   I feel that EVERY child deserves to know who BOTH of their parents are, regardless of whether or not the parents are in a good place with each other.   The child has NOTHING to do with your lame ass issues and excuses to the contrary.  The child did not put in a request to be with you or to be here on this earth.  So it is extremely unfair to the child to have parental information withheld from them just because a couple has gone their separate ways and the mother doesn’t like the child’s father anymore, even though SHE was the one who laid up there and spread her legs sans condom or any other form of birth control or otherwise.  Nor is it fair to the child to have maternal information withheld because of father’s issues with a mother long since gone from the picture for whatever reason.  Just as the child knows you and your functional and dysfunctional side of the family, it’s only fair for the child to be able to know the other parent and their functional and dysfunctional side of the family.   At the time, I get it, you were madly in love or whatever and things were really good or great between the two of you.  Cool.  So later on, things get sour; also innerstandable because, as they say, shit happens and every couple goes through some difficulties.  Eventually, things get so toxic between the two of you that going your separate ways is the only solution that either of you can see.  So this occurs either during pre-baby times or newborn baby times and can’t be avoided because all solutions and preventions to separations have been exhausted.  So why withhold the knowledge of the other parent from the child?  We have every right to know our other parent just like we know you.  You are not our world.  You make yourself our world and us your world for whatever reason.  Just because we have the desire to know who our other parent is and get to know them, does not mean that we love you any less.  It only means that we have the desire to know the other half of ourselves.  We are not strictly one-sided, but with parents that withhold the knowledge and information of the opposite parent, it makes us feel one-sided and like we are missing a part or parts of ourselves.  It took 23 chromosomes from both a SHE and a HE to create a new life.  That equals 46 chromosomes by my calculations.  So why is it that some of us are only allowed to get to know the donor of 23 of our 46 chromosomes?  Your issues are not our issues.  They are yours and yours alone.  YOU must deal with them without necessarily having to involve us.  Your feelings are not our feelings.  Our feelings are our feelings and YOUR FEELINGS are YOUR FEELINGS and no one else’s.  We have to deal with our feelings and you have to deal with your feelings.  Go to therapy.  Write in a journal.  Create a blog.  Create a video diary.  Do ANYTHING it is that YOU need to do to sort out and deal with YOUR OWN feelings.  Don’t take it out on us.  We didn’t ask to be here.  We were sent here.  And we deserve to know every aspect of ourselves whether or not you agree with it. Withholding such information from us only creates and builds resentment and distrust.  The result of which will be us handling you how you handle us except with a VERY long-handled spoon. So please don’t get in your feelings when we handle you how we handle you, because you’ve been handling us all wrong the entire time that we’ve been here, especially when we come to you and ask questions. Please don’t tell us that we can come to you and ASK you ANYTHING if you’re not willing to ANSWER ANYTHING.

 

There are no stupid questions except the ones that remain unasked.

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Feeling…Some Type of Way About Some Stuff: My Thoughts 11-29&30-2015

At the end of last month I was feeling all jumbled up inside.  Mentally constipated, emotionally stifled, stagnant, confused, angry, isolated.  I was in a relationship that I had known for quite some time wasn’t going anywhere and I needed out.  No matter how many times I told him, he just didn’t get it.  “I can’t do this hamster wheel of a relationship anymore.  I’m done,” I would tell him.  “Leave.”  “If they  were so much better and better to you than me, there’s the door.  Leave.  Bye.”  The ‘they’ being referred to were the other girls he had dated before me that he would tell me about where she did this and that girl did that.  I didn’t care.  I had long since checked out of the relationship and prayed he would just leave.  He never did.  In any case, I sat down one night to compose a letter to him to try to get off my chest everything that I had been thinking and feeling for the longest.  Mainly, because I’m not really good at verbally expressing myself especially when I’ve already tried that and it fell on deaf ears.  Now I feel like I’m beating my head against a brick wall trying to get my point across.  So I started to compose a letter…

‘Hey,

I apologize for missing Turkey day with my family.  I do love you.  More than you will ever know in this lifetime or any other.  I don’t know how to explain what I have needed to convey to you for so long.  Every time I say something, it never comes out how I need it to and it gets misconstrued into something that I totally did not mean for it to be.  I try not to say things off the cuff because that could be worse than cooling my head before I speak.  I try very carefully to choose my words and say them in a manner that would not be offensive to who I’m speaking to.  I see that we are two peas in a pod and we both get lockjaw when we really shouldn’t.  I’ve been that way since I was a little girl and just like you, in some ways, I’m not like the weather, I don’t change either.  As an adult, I’m still like that because it’s quite hard to do a complete 180 after being a certain way for so long.  Communication is not a strong point for me which always results in people getting hurt, but I’m working on it.  In addition, I have also always been that person on the outside looking in and I’m still that person, which is why I do things the way that I do.  Whenever I have voiced myself, I have always been made to feel like my opinions and feelings don’t matter and on top of that, I’m also made to feel as if I’m less than, intolerably ignorant, or just plain stupid.  When you think about it though, ignorance can be dealt with; it just means that a person hasn’t learned a certain thing so they just don’t know, but the intolerance of ignorance is another issue.  If someone is ignorant, we must have patience with that person and educate them so that when they do speak on a topic, they are at least somewhat knowledgeable on the subject.  I have noticed that that is the baggage that I carry just as you carry yours.  I understand that I’m not the easiest or best person to be around all the time, but when that’s all you hear and that’s all you are shown for so long, at some point it starts to seep into the cracks and you start to believe it. Even when you evaluate yourself, everything you ever did and the things you are currently doing become questionable, even to yourself.  Then you start to wonder about what others see in you or how they see you.  At this point in my life, I’ve been questioning myself so much I really feel like killing myself some days.  For a while, I was good, but recently those thoughts and feelings of hurting myself have slowly started to come back.  I can’t talk to everybody about it either even those that say, “Girl, you can talk to me about anything.  I’m here for you.  I got your back.” Thanks, but when I do, it rarely makes me feel better.  Sometimes I feel worse like, “Did I really say that to that person?  Did I impart too much information?  Maybe I shouldn’t have divulged that little tidbit to such-and-such…”  Then I really start to question and doubt myself and feel worse than when I initially spoke to that person.  I’m thinking to myself, “They must think all kinds of ill things about me.”  Yes, I have low self esteem issues.  I’m working on it but it’s not easy.  I feel selfish when I do for myself sometimes.  I guess because I empathize very easily with another’s situation and I want to see those around me do better and prosper.  I’m glad I have a Therapist.  I wish I could see her every day.  You know what, though?  I feel like I haven’t done all that bad despite things.  After all, think about this; it took me 40 years to get to this point and like you, I’m still here fighting the good fight on behalf of my sanity and mental stability as well as my physical and spiritual health.  The ultimate triad.  After 40 years, I’ve just now stopped to assess the damage and lick my wounds.  Just as you feel that you have made progress, so am I.  A bit slow going, but nothing as awesome as me has ever come out of a microwave.  Awesomeness like me takes time like a precious gem or a diamond forged under the pressure of time.  Maybe I am a bit childish at times, but I’m realizing now that I’ve never really been a child.  I’ve been treated like a miniature adult with some responsibilities and all, minus the job and financial obligations.  Also, that I have been sheltered to a certain point and shielded from certain things, many of which I care not to know, but unfortunately that information has been dropped in my lap or on my doorstep and I have had no choice but to acknowledge it then deal with it. I never wanted our relationship to come to this.  I love you and when I ask for something, it’s only because it’s imperative that I have that need fulfilled right then or at the time that it needs to be fulfilled, immediate or otherwise.  That is when I’m really vocal.  It may be a very short statement, but it’s a succinct statement that I felt needed voicing at that moment in time.  Therefore, I speak up and out.  Whether or not you hear or listen to me is the other person’s issue.  I have spoken.  I am a woman that refuses to continue to repeat myself until I am midnight black in the face and I also refuse to nag.  I’ve never been that woman and I refuse to start now as I am entirely too old for that kind of behavior.  I feel like if I have to say it more than once, I will get up and do it myself unless you genuinely didn’t hear me, meaning your physical hearing became impaired by some other noise preventing you from hearing the words that are coming out of my mouth at that particular time.  In that circumstance, I will repeat myself because that was no fault of yours.  I have also become increasingly aware that I really don’t know who I am.  Peaches, Sandria, Sandi, who knows!?  I sure don’t!  I thought I did.  I know only that I’m a healer that has thus far not taken or been able to take the time to heal herself due to trying to aid and heal others.  Depleted is what I am.  Therefore, another truth I have had to face is the reality that I utterly despise when people tell me that they know me better than I know myself.  For someone to tell me that, is an insult to my intelligence and causes me to become incensed.  Them are fighting words to me and I’m not talking punching someone in the face fighting words, I’m talking pump action shotgun to the face fighting words.  Yeah, it’s that serious.  I hate that phrase and I hate hearing it.  I especially hate hearing that phrase from a person outside of my person.  If the voices in my head never tell me that, and they have every right to, why should I hear it from someone else?  Two people in my life have ever uttered that phrase to me with you being one of them.  In any case, both of us are highly intelligent beings whose looks defy our intelligence.  We both need makeovers.  I look like I’m still in high school and you look like you look.  LOL!!!  I may seem like I don’t care about anyone or anything but that’s far from the truth.  I care so much that I have put my health in jeopardy more times than I care to remember and instead it’s becoming abundantly clear to me that I need to remember to care that much more about the person who is always with me and always will be.  I haven’t been taking care of them at all the way that I am supposed to and they are severely suffering because I have neglected them to shoulder the pain and ill of others.  I am starting to care about ME more now.  You asked me if there was someone else and I told you ‘no’.  Well, like Maury says, “That was a liiiie.”  I have a tendency to forget that I am actually someone, too.  These are just some of the things that penetrate and pile into my mind sometimes.  I’m not done yet, only for now.  There’s a whole lot more to come.”

So these are/were my thoughts and feelings to this person.  Eventually, we sat down and had a “come to jesus meetin'” and actually talked some stuff out.  By then, it was too little, too late.  In that discussion, though, I learned a little more about myself and about that person.  Not that learning more about that person is relevant at this point.  We’ve gone our separate ways.  I have learned about myself that I need to communicate better and more clearly.  People really aren’t mind readers, even if they do say they “know’ you or they know what you mean without you having to say it.  Horsepucky!  It still needs to be said regardless of whether or not feelings get hurt in the process.  Say what you have to say and let the chips fall where they may.  Never stifle your feelings to spare someone else’s feelings, you will suffer for it in the end.  As a wonderful friend once told me, a closed mouth doesn’t get fed.

I hope you enjoyed reading my very first blog.  Let me know your thoughts in the comments section or hit me on Facebook.

Signed,

The Lady aka Sandi Sunflower